Four Destructive Behaviors In Relationships and What To Do Instead

Successful relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive

to negative.

Research has found that 9 out of 10, couples

who criticize, get defensive, with-drawl, and show

contempt do not make it.

Couples use destructive behaviors because their

needs are not being met.

You can do something different to increase your

positive ratio!

1. Behind every Criticism is a desire or unmet need. 

Instead of being critical, ask for what you want.

Ask in the positive and specifically such as, “I

would like a hug right now” instead of “You never

show me affection!” If you hear criticism from

your  parnter, ask, "What do you need?" and "How

can I help?

2. Instead of getting defensive, STOP. Take a deep

breath. Start over. Ask for more information. Ask,

"How I help?"

3. Instead of stonewalling or withdrawing, tell the

other you need some time and space alone and

how much. If you have a problem with the

relationship, speak up. When your partner with-

drawls give them time and space. Manage your

anxiety until the mood shifts by self soothing with

positive thoughts and behaviors, entertaining

yourself or having fun.

4. Instead of contempt: Take time out to restore good feelings. Focus on partner's positive traits.  Give appreciations and compliments. Do what usually works to restore more positive feelings between the two of you. Seek help.

Adapted from The Truth About Love by Pat Love, PhD and "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman, PhD

How to Pump-Up the Positive and Get Your Relationship in Shape

Successful Relationships have a 5:1 ratio of

positive to negative. Because our brain is wired for

survival we will focus on the negative to protect

ourselves unconsciously.  What ever we give

attention to will be enlarged.  Our spouse could do

five positive and two negative behaviors and we

will tend to focus only on the negative.

We need to be intentional about focusing on the

positive and positive behaviors in order to begin to

shift the negativity in our relationships to the

positive.

What increases the positive/negative ratio?

1. Intentionally viewing our spouse/partner in the

positive- focusing on positive attributes and

behaviors.  Take one minute each day and focus on

your spouse’s positive traits and behaviors. If your

spouse has done something upsetting, focus on all

the positive things they have done.

2. Give your spouse appreciations around their

behavior/personality traits daily such as, “I

appreciate that you are such a caring person” or “I

appreciate that you  spent the afternoon cleaning

out the garage.”

3. Do caring behaviors often through-out the

week.  Caring behaviors are small repetitive

behaviors that when we do them, our partner feels

loved and cared for such as a phone call from

work, help with the dishes, or a compliment. It's

important to share with each other what these

behaviors are.

4. Give each other frequent surprises through-

out the year such as: A surprise shake from

Whitey’s that you heard recently they were craving

or take the kids to a park Saturday morning to let

the other sleep in after you heard them wishing

out-loud how they would love to sleep in some

day!

Adapted from Getting the Love You Want  by Dr. Harville Hendricks

The Mirroring Exercise

 from Hot Monogamy by Patricia Love, Ph.D.

… there is a simple technique I use that helps couples experience deeper levels of intimacy.  One of its merits is that it counteracts the intimacy-blocking behaviors common to both men and women, effectively leveling the playing field between the sexes.

            …Time and again I have seen this powerful technique transform relationships.  The exercise is deceptively simple.  One person, the sender, begins by stating a brief sentence or two.  The other person, the receiver, restates the message in his or her own words.  In essence the receiver becomes a mirror, reflecting back the content and the tone of the message.  The receiver’s role is not to interpret, diminish, or magnify the message but simply to reflect what was said.

            Once the message has been reflected back the receiver asks the sender if the message was correctly understood.  If not, the sender clarifies the statement.  This process continues until the message is “received as delivered”.  The sender is then free to deliver another chunk of information.  The two stay in their roles until a complete train of thought has been communicated.  Then the receiver becomes the sender and can either respond to the previous message or take the conversation in a new direction… turning the conversation into a dialogue.

The Many Rewards of the Mirroring Exercise

            Is this process tedious?  Clearly.  When you mirror each other, the conversation slows to a snail’s pace.  Is practicing the exercise worth the effort?  Absolutely.

            One of the reasons the exercise is so helpful is that it prevents many … common intimacy-blocking behaviors… including dominating the conversation, interrupting, being overly critical, being too closemouthed, and failing to pay close attention.  It also puts an end to the “shoot and reload” school of communication, in which one partner “fires” the first shot of words and “reloads” the mental gun while the other person is talking.  You can’t shoot and reload during the mirroring exercise because you have to listen too carefully to your partner. 

            The fact that you can’t fire verbal bullets at each other during the exercise creates an all-important demilitarized zone.  As long as you stick to the rules,  you won’t be able to wound each other psychologically by ignoring, discounting, shaming, interrupting, or contradicting each other.  All you can do is paraphrase each other.  Once you learn that you can rely on your partner’s neutral response, you are likely to become more willing to talk about sensitive subjects, opening up whole avenues of discussion.  Subjects that once touched off bitter arguments can now be discussed in safety.

            Another benefit of the exercise is that it gives you the luxury of having your partner’s undivided attention.  It can be moving to know that your partner is paying close attention to you and trying to understand what you’re saying.  Too often we listen to our partners with half an ear.  …  When your partner paraphrases you accurately, you have proof that your message has gotten across.  Many times in my therapy sessions I have seen people moved to tears by the simple fact that they have been heard and understood.

            But the benefits of the mirroring exercise go beyond even this. If you practice it over a period of weeks, you will begin to experience a fundamental shift in your perception of both your partner and yourself.  Most of the transformation takes place on an unconscious level.  When you are in the role of the receiver, you are confronted with the inescapable fact that your partner is different from you.  On some level you’ve always known this, but like most people, you may have gone to great lengths to keep from absorbing this unpleasant truth.  … partners try to coerce each other into adopting similar points of view by using an endless variety of maneuvers, including bullying, manipulating, shaming, and lecturing each other.

            This mental coercion is not unique to love relationships.  Many families are built on the premise that “we are all the same”, the parents dictating to the children how to think, feel, and behave.  Friendships, too, are often formed around shared opinions and values.  Many of your closest friends are likely to have similar politics, values, and lifestyle.

            One of the primary reasons we surround ourselves with like-minded people is that we don’t want to experience our separateness.  If someone else agrees with everything we say, we can fool ourselves into thinking we are not separate from them.  And the reason we want to feel psychically joined with others is that when we’re aware of our separateness, we are confronted with the fear of death.

            This may not make sense on a conscious level, but the unconscious mind has its own logic.  On an unconscious level we are under the mistaken impression that we cannot survive on our own.  Actually, this is true for about the first decade of our lives because human beings require caretaking for a longer period of time than any other species.  To ensure that we get this care, we are programmed to bond closely with our caretakers. …

            Regrettably this survival mechanism doesn’t disappear when we are old enough to fend for ourselves.  The primitive part of the brain that governs reflexes and primal emotions still operates on the belief that “If I am not intimately connected with someone else, I will die”.  This is why relationship issues can oftentimes feel so life-threatening.  On an unconscious level to be abandoned by a lover is to come face-to-face with the fear of death. …

            One of the profound consequences of the mirroring exercise is that the simple act of listening attentively to your partner compels you to confront your separateness.  You cannot use anger or any other defensive maneuver to deny that you and your partner are separate beings.  The exercise forces you to be a mirror, validating whatever your partner has to say—no matter how much those words accentuate your differences.

            But the genius of this exercise is that it doesn’t force you to confront this existential truth all at once.  You absorb it in small increments.  Each time you paraphrase your partner, you are acknowledging another small aspect of your partner’s individuality.  This gives the primitive part of your brain time to adjust to the reality of your separateness.

            You will not be aware of this process as you practice the exercise.  You are more likely to be thinking about what you don’t like about the exercise… But underneath your surface complaints your unconscious mind will be slowly registering the many differences between you and your partner, along with the comforting fact that you are still alive.  Gradually your unconscious mind will be able to construct a more adult worldview:  “… Perhaps I am mature enough to survive as an independent being after all.”

            When you are in the role of the sender, your unconscious mind makes an equally significant discovery.  When you make a statement and hear it paraphrased accurately by your partner, you are acutely ware of your partner’s presence.  Mirroring is primary proof that someone else is out there… Furthermore, because your partner is willing to go through this tedious, time-consuming, frustrating exercise with you, you have tangible proof that your partner cares about you.  On a deep, fundamental level you begin to sense that, yes, you are indeed separate from your partner, but you are not alone.

            Thus the mirroring exercise gives you the confidence that you can survive as a separate entity at the same time that it reassures you that your partner cares about you. These seemingly contradictory insights result in a highly evolved state of mind called differentiation:  the sense that I am separate from you but still able to connect.  Differentiation is the final stage in the adult developmental process.  A person who is differentiated fears neither abandonment nor engulfment.   I know I can be me and still be in relationship with you…

            Paradoxically, this feeling of independence allows me to bond with you all the more deeply.  Because I’m no longer terrified of being left alone or being engulfed, I don’t have to put up so many defenses.  I can safely and freely explore what it means to be intimate.  It’s not fear or need that binds me to you but conscious choice. …There is no question in my mind that differentiation is the key to a deep and lasting love relationship and the fastest way I know to become more differentiated is to practice the mirroring exercise.

Four Destructive Behaviors

How to Pump-up the Positive

The Mirroring Exercise